Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I can't explain anything....
...even to myself.

This is something I can't articulate in prose, maybe I can't even place my finger on what it's about...


The dank salt of stale heat curls from
the window clammed. The sweltering metropolis
is kept out. The vipers on the windshield
are sedate. There are many of me:
a sparkling frisky or nimble girl in a pleated skirt,
a South-Asian foreign student, and later,
a wheatish nymph stripped to her underwear.
Recalling makes a reluctant ramble
through the nostalgic mindscape- solitary,
but resembling in it’s many similarities
of streets, narrow lanes with crammed, chaste fiber-where I shrivel
with the reaper’s skepticism and sour doubt.

Repeatedly I feel often
the Distraction is invading, the Distraction is invading Mymemoirs.
His able hands clasp my vapory will,
their lines conceal the mottle of loneliness,
I am a wild-weed tumbling in a tide of air,
my resolve brittle as bird bones,
I who always saw a contained clout in her mirror-self
combusting red heat crackle-crack
lighting up the sun-smeared yolk sky,
where all feathery constrains take wings.
The admittance drains him washed blank
like a sunken stream.

And was the silent river thick with content,
that no ripples spiraled into its gut,
were its motionless currents brackish as the dead sea
where no one was allowed to drown
in it’s stagnant tide, what would he say?
The winter ocean is drab-soot, the sludge dark waves cringe
with the dampened air flaccid as his morale,
like a fringe of deposited dirty foam.
Overcast reason! Clouded like my words
that rise as metal fog from exhaling ducts,
smogmist and haze-
yes, they are nothing concrete.
He is emanating in Mymemoirs.

He must draw dewdrops from the grey mist
within his lungs to breathe my tears,
to taste my words or decipher doubtfully.
He will barge in through the rattling iron
of my steel space
where I will let him seep in like spirited wind,
like a circling current of air
then holding my syllables by their scanty veins
inhale all reason from my say
now bare as a clearing or loneliness.

i feel...




The grip went slack and then
it plunged in a turbid pool of
colorless, no one can tell
what I lack. Except I,
who can still savor the
mumble of unsaid words
slide over me, sluggish
as the caress of your calculated
careless gaze. You may be
grey in my absence
but that flick of wrist
tells me, I must
just as warily
empty my life of you. But before
the bubble of tar mist can
burst, in my protective puckered hand sinks
our charged aftermath in a
capsized glass balloon.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I’ve been writing here and there, bits and pieces…haven’t had much time to put it together, post it…I’m off for a bit…maybe I should.
Life’s changed, a lot.
I don’t recognize what’s mine anymore.

Sometimes I feel your absence so strongly, and the empty bed becomes a reminder of all that used to be. I miss you my Apa, and I love you more than I say.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Wouldn't You Agree...?

5 years ago I discovered “Groovy Kind of Love” (Phil Collins-“Buster”).

Then, it was a sappy love song, and me being me, really liked it but animated “Tarzan’s” soundtrack by Phil Collins soon won over.

5 years later rediscovered “Groovy Kind of Love” when a friend strummed it on the guitar.

Now, it’s still a love song. But one that can bring me to tears. The I’m-smiling-but-the-tears-can’t-stop-rolling-down-my-eyes-and-I-know-I-look-crazy sort of crying.

On repeat since the past two hours. Like I’ve said there’s something about such song rediscoveries. Nostalgia + Relevance+ Epiphanies, may be the most remarkable combination for a good grasp on any subject matter, but certainly isn’t a very blithe one.
Just the way he says…”Wouldn’t you agree….?”… is ample reason for a fresh bout of tears.

Groovy Kind Of Love

When i'm feeling blue, all i have to do
Is take a look at you, then i'm not so blue
When you're close to me, i can feel your heart beat
I can hear you breathing near my ear
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
Anything you want to, anytime at all
When i kiss your lips, ooh i start to shiver
Can't control the quivering inside
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh

When i'm feeling blue, all i have to do
Is take a look at you, then i'm not so blue
When i'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter
My whole world could shatter, i don't care
Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love
We got a groovy kind of love, oh
We got a groovy kind of love
-Phil Collins
P.S: Is this still the ‘me’ I know?? It’s gotto be hormonal! Still haven’t magically morphed into the kind of person who would react this way. Ok I’m not going to defend myself or what I just wrote. And I certainly can’t believe I’m gonna publish

Thursday, January 11, 2007

im hurting. i dont know more so on what...losing what we had...having what we have...or wanting that which we can't seem to get.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Can't access comments!!!

I'm not being rude..i generally reply to comments...but for some reason
i can see new comments posted but i JUST CANT ACCESS THEM!!! HOW FRUSTRATIN!G!!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

things arent so weird.
or maybe they are.
hmmm...i dunno.
im still confused...
somethings definitely WRONG with me!
or maybe its right...
hmmm.....i dunno.
im still confused...
i should tell it to stop
or maybe i should just let it be...
hmmm...i dunno.
im still confused...
"something" definitely happens
or maybe it's just another 'thing'
hmmm.....i dunno.
Im still confused...
I don't want to take it so seriously anymore
but maybe i should...
hmmm...i dunno.
Im so confused...
"this" might be ruining what there is
or maybe it's finding something better...
hmm...i dunno.
im majorly confused...
we maybe careless, you and me....
but it's not's still there...
maybe it'll survive
but maybe it won't
hmmm...i dunno.
Im completely confused...

Im not just im not.

Im highly conflicted...yes i am.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Careless you and Careless me

Right now I resent you and I resent myself more for ruining a friendship so flawed and imperfectly perfect.
And this song is making things worse.

Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

Should've known better

I feel so unsure
as I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies, something in your eyes
calls to mind the silver screen
and all its sad good-byes

I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretend
I know your not a fool

Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you

Time can never mend
the careless whispers of a good friend
to the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool
Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste this chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you

Never without your love

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say

We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But noone's gonna dance with me
Please stay

And I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretend
I know you’re not a fool

Should've known better than to cheat a friend
and waste the chance that I've been given
so I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you

(Now that you're gone) Now that you're gone
(Now that you're gone) What I did was so wrong
that you had to leave me alone

-Careless Whisper
George Michael

Saturday, November 25, 2006

writing fiction is hard work!!!
will post the book here...if it EVER ends!

Friday, November 24, 2006

More or less a hundred or so posts later...I go through my dashboard and browse through some old ramblings. It suddenly dawns on me that I have been restricting much of my writing to certain limited aspects of my life. Admitted, there are some eulogies to Karachi, like "dual Karachi" and “Where cobwebs dwell” and some about Faiz, and Ghalib and songs and then some random uttering and mutterings thrown in now and then. But on the whole they remain constrained. I don’t “blog” much about other things, maybe because I blog mostly when I just need to make certain things “vocal”, and seem to loose the voice to verbalize them. I guess it is a realization…I got some awesome, and I do mean AWESOME comments all the way down there where the more diversified posts lie. Hence, Resolution # 3967 : Write more often, more diverse. (as soon as I get done with this book design project, which is also…ironically on Karachi. Much excitement! But buried under the pressure of workload and time constrains…hoping for a miracle, soon! =)

Monday, November 20, 2006

so of late I have mostly been keeping to myself. Highly strange...i've withdrawn a bit, I've mellowed a bit. i dont really know whats up with me...I really dont know whats down with me. And this post makes no sense, has no purpose. Im just deliberately delaying working. Im not even punctuating properly =)

somethings missing...yet again,.
completely Blah.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Good Riddance

The Cyst
Former Resident,
Slight Left,
Lower Back.
Expressome, 2006.

Im glad your'e gone. Having u around was no fun, but honestly getting you out of me (unwillingly, i must add, emergency mein) was torture, but the weeks after were even worse. And coming from someone whose threshold of pain is way higher than average, that is saying alot. You made me suffer and endure a great amount of physical pain at a time when I was buried under the anguish of emotional pain.
Thanks alot for nothing.
Good Riddance.

The Cardiac Probe

I asked the little whiner why it can’t beat even a bit faster for either one of those senseless souls who tell me they’ll do all it takes, they will go the whole nine yards, they’ll wait, they’ll win me over somehow.
I nudge the little critter to at least try to beat a bit faster at the timbre of their voice, at seeing their name on my phone screen, in my mailbox, or when they sign in…

So I said, “You damn thing, for someone who chronically palpitates you sure seem to be having trouble beating faster when I tell you to! You indolent freak! Try getting down to some action when I tell you to.”

It replied, “Silly girl! You never listened to me when I warned you, you got in way over your head. Try all you might, try all you may. But stop kidding yourself it just ain’t happening with anyone else anymore”.

Damn Freak.

Monday, October 02, 2006


Lessons I learnt/ am learning…When they say they give a damn believe them.
When hurting someone will cause you pain…don’t hurt them.
Believe, because doubt kills even the strongest of relationships.
If they find it in their heart to forgive you after you have wronged them a million times then believe that it’s worth it, he is worth it, if as nothing more because it scares the life out of screwed up and confused you, then at least as a good friend.
And its good to BELIEVE and not want proof.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I am so conflicted, so confused…
about nothing else in life just you.

Too many ‘whys’ too many ‘what ifs’
Back to bubble wrapping myself.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Suspicious Mind

“We can’t go on together with suspicious minds
And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds”

Suspicious Minds-Elvis Presly

I can't go on with this suspicious mind, U deserve better than to be doubted by this suspicious mind.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Why ask me about life without U...

Why ask me about life without U?
…a life I don’t want to think of.

I’ve found in you an irreplaceable friend… no matter how complex life is with you in it…I would rather not have it any other way. You’re just a friend, but a friend so much more than any other. I wouldn’t know soooo many things about me, so many things about the world. Do I give u more credit than u deserve? I can’t be an impartial judge of that and neither can you. U may think so…but somehow I don’t, the credit is yours to claim.

You tossed my world upside down by making me question and redefine my staunch beliefs, ideas and principles, and subsequently reassess how resolute and pertinent they were in the first place. You got me rid of sameness, of the mundane, of the ordinary. Without you I wouldn’t be pushing my boundaries, discovering life the way I am. I wouldn’t be discovering myself (or be as patient or tolerant as I have become!). Without you I wouldn’t have known who I truly am, I wouldn’t have grown out of who I thought I was. Without you I’d be living but wouldn’t be as alive.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Shubho Drishti

I’ve never been one to go ga-ga over romantic gibberish. Somehow….this touched somewhere deep inside.

“They say in the old tales that when a man and woman exchange looks the way we did, their spirits mingle. Their gaze is a rope of gold binding each to the other. Even if they never meet again, they carry a little of the other with them always. They can never forget, and they can never be wholly happy again.”
“That is why, in families that kept the ancient traditions, girls were not allowed to meet men until the moment of auspicious seeing, shubho drishti, when the bride and groom gave themselves to each other with their eyes. It wasn’t, as Anju said, to keep the woman ignorant and under control. The elders in their wisdom had done it to prevent heartbreak.”

- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
Excerpt: Sister of My Heart.

Just Completely

I know how to give myself just one way…wholly and completely. Mind, body and heart.
I can’t give just bits and pieces of me…pieces and parts.
I’m not her, I can’t be her.
If that’s all you want I’m sure that you will find her.
We both deserve more than that.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Alive again?

I don’t know.
Stupid again? Definitely.
I’m getting to know a new me, a me who doenst like to think too much, who doesn’t analyze as much as me, who can block out things, who will say “pl, I dot want to think right now”…..a me who is even more impulsive than me.

I don’t know how I feel about her.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

I don't feel....

I haven’t felt like myself in months now. Approximately 6 months now.
Its strange because I have become more and more introspective, im not writing much anymore, al I write are conversations with myself that get too complicated to stay inside my head. But other than that every time I sit to analyze something or try to put it in a coherent sentence I end up getting more and more tangled in a web. Someday I might sit down and actually write everything down. It’s strange, I’ve made some decisions and THANK GOD I am sticking to them and acting sensibly (to the best of my ability!), but how do I feel about these decisions?
Hmmmmm….sensible, safe, good most of the time. One thing that’s not the same…not since things were last as they were …I don’t feel….Alive.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Expressome searcher

Who are you...Expressome searcher?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


There is no "us", there is no "we"

There's just "you and me"...

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