the simple excitement of a new CD!

The simple excitement of a new CD can be a great high!! =)
actually its discovering old songs that are new to u....did that make sense?
see some1 got me this twin pack of Nayyara Noor songs..
one is NAyyara Noor sings Faiz...(WOW,WOW,WOW!) which i already had but then....who cna complain....LUV ALL THE SONGS!
The other is Best of Nayyara Noor....and I'm discovering some wonderful songs that I hadn't heard before...!
wow, wow, wow!

Seaview followed by chai aur paratha…umm…dual Karachi ka mazaa!

Sunday morning sunshine has a very foreboding quality to it especially at an hour when one should be nestled snuggly between bed and blanket. I sit here displaced yet content after a one and a half hour photography session that started off at 6:30 am at the Karachi Sea View. They say if you truly want to experience the essence of a place, sit where there is culture, where you can hear the common man’s lingua and you will taste all that the place has to offer. So I like coming here every once in a while, a place not included among those that the social circles I belong to frequent often. A place that acts like a reality check for me when I get too caught up in the dynamics and glitz of the intimate and excluding circles I am part of in this currently not-so-westernized-neither-truly-ethnic-confused-state-of existence, in this metropolitan that is Karachi. I come here not to be among the “artsy fartsy” who are rumored to frequent places like such in order to prove a point to the individuals devoid of the higher understanding of artistic sensitivity. However, I don’t even agree o that notion, but that is a discussion for another time and place. I frequent it to actually observe life from a different view point for at least some moments of the day, to look at things as they exist outside my limiting circles, to fine tune into the diverse variety of all that this city has to offer.

One street across from my college, an unassuming sort of a place nestled between a well recognized food chain and several other roadside type restaurants is my favorite place for a relaxing cup of tea, a “dhaba” by the name of “Quetta Hotel”. A place where some of my classmates and I became regulars during play rehearsals in the month of Ramadan at iftaar. Coming back to where I started from, I sit here exhausted after a morning of clicking away in all sorts of odd and painful positions to get good shots, my stomach growls at having to go empty since last nights meal and working overtime. This place not just offers absolutely delicious food but engages each of the senses in such a manner that it becomes an experience for any keen observer. The smell of Karachi, intimately known and recognized by people living in the city for sometime surrounds you, a salt watery warm kind of welcoming fragrance, this morning mixed with the aroma of ‘daal’ frying in oil, parathas being made on a flat round metal pan blackened with years of usage, and in a silver pan the handle of which is plastic and wrapped around with a cloth in order to avoid burns, tea simmers, the aroma of which is a tell-tale of its sweet flavor. Usually Sunday mornings are relatively quieter than the weekdays and the only hustle bustle is that of shop vendors and workers at the dhaba. As I approach the dhaba, the young boy who works here brings out a chair from inside for me and keeps it at the only table placed outside. The only customers besides me are 3 men, who sit at tables inside the ‘restaurant’ alternating between watching television, reading the paper, and conversing. I sit with both legs folded on top of the plastic chair, for it is too early an hour for anyone to judge the impropriety of the position of this displaced young lady. My camera bag rests on the chipped, age worn table with metal legs and traces of a Formica top. All the cooking being done outside in the open air in front of me, temptingly indulges my sense of smell, and makes the growling of my stomach grow louder by the minute. The big-built, bearded, sweet faced man who is the owner of this joint, swivels the paratha that I asked for, with one finger on the black skillet, to make sure it browns evenly, emitting a ‘whoosh, sizzle’ sound every now and then.. While the cup of tea I patiently await for is being monitored by one of his helping hands, being poured from a metal cup consistently back into the pan its brewing in, guaranteeing as perfectly brewed a cup as possible.

As I get distracted by the men raising the metal shutters of the street shops my long awaited tea arrives in a small ceramic cup one corner of which is slightly chipped and the once off-white color now an almost dirty brown from the tea seeping into the crevices, the cream on it rising well above the rim. I take a whiff of it and the flavor promises of a delectably sweet treat. The owner himself then brings over the paratha in a white plastic plate, I thank him and receive a gracious smile in return. I break off a piece of the bread in front of me and dip it into the chai, an absolute treat! The perfect balance between crispy and soft layers that only an expert ‘paratha maker’ can achieve. I let the warmth of the cup seep into my hands and then slowly raise it to my lips to take a sip of the chai and savor the rich, thick, creamy, hot liquid on my tongue before gulping it down, enjoying every penny of the 8 rupees it is well-worth. Enjoying both to their absolute limit and having been refreshed by the entire experience I pay the man and gather my belongings, and head back towards the tiny circle of my life as I know it.

Gratefully satisfied by the frivolous engagement of each and every one of my senses and being pleased with the re-realization of the dualty that exists in Karachi, of the vast experiences one can be a part of here and for knowing it intimately enough to call my own.

dil uttar gaya hai...

I said "Too soon it might be too late", i think that too soon has arrived. It is a lil too late.

I cant help but feel this way. And its a different feeling, a very different feeling. I cant tell u exactly what it is, I haven’t completely discovered it myself. But I can tell you what it’s NOT like. It’s not like the time when you argue or fight with a best friend, not like when you are so mad you swear to yourself that your are not going to give in this time. Not even like the times when you promise yourself that you are going to act completely cool, and not bothered at all, or going to ignore the other one till they come to their senses, not even like trying to have a rehearsal of a conversation in your head, or confrontation. Not even like the feeling of giving up or being sad over uncontrollable issues. Not even the blood red, angst, or raging fury of frustration.
It’s very different from that. VERY.
Everything replaced with a steady, unblinking, dry eyed gaze, and an equally non communicative, distant, not happy-but-not-dejected-either, non expressive, i-still-care-but-im-NOT-going-to-doanything-about-it-cuz-i-no-it’s-not-worth-it, U-are-not-worth-it, SMILE.

I think,
Dil uttar gaya hai…

I dont think I have to...

30th Jan 2005:
I dont think I have to know you completely to know how I feel about you.

31st Jan 2005:
I KNOW that i DONT need to know you completely to understand how i Feelabout you, BECUZ I KNOW how I feel about you.

Today:
Is it dumb being knowingly blind? yes,obviously. When today I know u so well, well enough to say I know alot about u, i obviously know even the tiny little shortcomings, the BIg hitches...almost everything, then y am i being knowingly blind and stupidly naive? theres WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAy tooo much involved now to back out completely unharmed, but atleast bacing out now makes a lot more sense then being completely crushed and then realizing everything once again.

i luv this song..."one" by U2.

"........Did I disappoint you?Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go withoutWell it'sToo lateTonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each otherDid I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well weHurt each other
Then we do it again
You sayLove is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt”

I know Avoidance when I see it. I recognize Denial when I see it.

Silent Waters

At times complete strangers can be the ones who offer the best solace. Thank God for all the random people out there, placed all along my way so things may become easier and less burdensome…at least for some hours of the day.

And then we go back again to *thinking…and *thinking and *thinking, and well everything comes toppling down again.

The saying goes, “Silent waters run deep” or is it “still waters run deep”? I can never get it right…
One sentence can mean a lot.
One word can mean a lot.

So, at times when people say what they say, some read into what they say, willingly or non willingly, it’s just something they do.
It’s involuntary.

(Ps: i just realized that I have put up a very very random,disjointed and almost inchoerent post, if that statement helps u doubt my sanity a little less....good! if not...i wont hold it against u! =)

just a lil something to think about

Today someone said something to me....that made me think* think*and think*...
U say everything that you ever want, is taken away from you...
so do u stop *wanting* everything, stop desiring anything,stop aspiring towards something?!
I dont get it.
I'm sorry i just dont get it...
i wish i did. I really do...I wish i could make u understand, make you see things a lil differently....just slightly change your viewpoint.
I read a poem by Faiz today, it called Meray Humdam, meray dost

a little excerpt from it…

Gar mujhe is ka yaeen ho mairay hamdam, mairay dost,
Gar mujhe is ka yaqeen ho tere dil ki thakan,
Teri ankhonki udasi, tere senay ki jalan,
Mairi dil joi, mairay pyar say mit jayaygi
Gar mairay harf-e-tassali voh dava hojiss say
Je uthay phir tera ujra hua bay noor damagh
Teri peshani saydhul jayain yeh tazleel kay daagh
Teri bemar jawani ko shifa hojayay
Gar mujhay iss ka yaqeen homairay hamdam, mairay dost
Rooz-o-shab, sham-o-sahar main tujhay behlata rahoon.

-----
-----
-----------
(another 3 stanzas….ends like this)

Tairay Aazar ka charah naheen nishtar kay siwa
Aur yeh saffak masiha mairay qabzay mein naheen
Iss jahan kay kisi zi-rooh kay qabze mein naheen
Han magar tere siwa, tairay swa, teray sewa…

fresh, new, cleancutlook!

I have realized that when things get too complicated and you are willing to simplify them, atleast to some extent, you need to step back, relax, breathe in, calm down, breathe out and then look at things anew. With a new,fresh, cleancut,shaved, waxed, watever be it...view. Encrypted post, I know. Just trying to say that maybe that is what the doctor ordered, the need of the occassion, the demand of the situation. A new perspective, a refreshed outlook.

Thank you God, for these tiny moments of realizations, thankfulness and wisdom.

And Thank You for keeping joy in the simplest of things known to us humans as mundane realities of existence.

PS: If i sound completely deranged...it is probably because I wrote 3 THREE, stupid 1000 word essays!!! Since when have I started procrastinating?!God alone knows, it slowly and sneakily crept up this time! =) Glad that its over. Still more to do though....sketch pad, here I come...yay..*yawn*.

lyrical lecture

I wrote this absentmindedly during a lecture I was supposed to be listening to(!!), in February 2005.

I think I’ve been stupid…They may say I’m blind
When you tell me something and I believe you,
I know I’m outta my mind

Looking back…realizing things now
Leaves me full of regret about the way I felt…
Really wanna forget you but don’t know how.

You know how to manipulate…
You know how to get to me…
It’s sad I know all the things,
But the bad in you I still don’t see

It’s not important how I feel…
Cuz you couldn’t really care less…
I’m killing myself…I’m an emotional mess
To you I’m not real.

(I sing to myself…I sing “My Favorite Mistake”…
Cuz that’s what you have come to be…
A mistake I make again and again)

Lie to me...

I spent a major part of last week thinking about lying and lairs....hahhahaha if you think ive lost it , wait till u read the rest of this post. I am beyond thinking about why we lie...motivations, inclination, tendency, proclivity etc etc. I really don't care about any. I reached a very simple conclusion. When someone lies, they doubt your intelligence, they actually question it...
When someone lies to you,they do it with the intention of you believing it and taking it as the truth, right? So when they doubt you intelligence, they question your ability to put two and two together, to use your brain and logic and realize that you are being dishonest. And then they blame you for doubting them! ha! They blame you for doubting them after they give you reason to doubt them, every single time you want to believe them with all your heart. Ironic? This is not about lying and lairs, its not about doubting and trust, and it is so not about intelligence and stupidity, about beliveing and wanting to believe, about generalizations...It's about (TEXT DELETED)

There is a song that I place in the "begginglypatheticallydesperate" category....Though it doesnt stop me from liking it. based completely on generalized liking of teh song...and has NOTHING to do with this post...but that where i got the title from...thought I'd mention it.
Here it goes;
"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fightI'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me ...
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me...
But please don't leave."

-Sheryl Crow.

Bhula na payaingay...

Something I wrote years ago, when i probbaly did not even understand the meaning of it completely...had been reading a lot of urdu poetry in those days, thought i'd give it a shot. This couldn't have been more apt for me and my life where it stands today...who knew?! To me it still sounds like a dumb piece of 'wannabe urdu poetry".....i still want to put it up. Here goes;

Hum unhain kaisay samjhatay
kya woh kabhi samhaj bhi paatay?

Lafz miltay hi kahan kay kuch kehtay
Miltay bhi tu shaid chup he rehtay

Bhulain kaisay woh sabh haqeeqatein,
Jab bhula na sakay kuch unkahi baatein

Gaya kahan waqt jo ban gayee hain yaadein,
Yoon he din guzartay hain aur kat ti hain raatein,

Lay aayee hai aaisee jagah zindagihum ko,
Chah kay bhi bhula na payain gay hum tum ko.

Mirrored Voice

I attended a presentation today related to advertising and its future. The actual content of the presentation was informative and interesting to a certain extent but what I really seemed to get a kick out of was the similarity of the lecturer’s and my beliefs when it came to life, being successful and finding happiness. The “kick” was because I had talked about the very same things in almost the same words just a few days back and it seemed like he was just voicing the entire thing in a slightly different tone. I loved the way he talked about being passionate in everything you do, that is the only way to succeed and be happy. And love life above everything, it will show in not just your work but everything you do. And of course not to forget eradicating complacency! I could almost hear myself saying the same thing in EXACTLY the same way. It was crazy…almost like an out of body experience. Yes, times when we talked about how important passion is, not just in work but human relationships, how complacency can lead to confusion and dissatisfaction. Weird how I could almost see myself standing in his place and saying all that he said about life. Weird how I wish you could have been there listening…not just hearing but listening, to my mirrored voice.

Pathological...

To passify myself I say its a disease, its pathological...u cant help but...Lie!
HA! If its the one thing that puts me off so much, how can I even stand you doing it again and yet again and still be standing around to tolerate it?!
That something I wont be able to figure out soon, yet that isnt wat bothers me.....its the fact that you are not supposed to be mattering even a bit, particularly after lying about crap, that prbobaly doesnt even amount to anything....that wasn't significant enough to lie about in the first place....that I shouldnt even think twice about, yet here I am venting out about Insignificant You.
I say I dont give a damn, i make myself believe that.
I 'm the first to defend the accused, even when im not sure msyelf...
And things that are not supposed to mean anything, are apparently those that mean the most.

Life can be extremely ironic at times.