exactly what I've been afraid of...

This is exactly what I have been afraid of all along....hamesha....i stayed away from complications, particularly of this sort, for various reasons, this being the most significant. And here I am thinking…

…what if I see your face instead of his.
…what if I take your name instead of his.
…what if I want all the firsts with you not him.
…what if I…care for you…not him.


*how did it happen? why did it happen? I wnat my simple life back. I can NOT deal. I really can not deal with complications, with questions, with everything we have been through. I'm the first to turn around when I see things go haywire, or if it means something I set them in order, I never let them mean anything more than they should. I want out of every complicated situation, I was an expert at keeping them at an arm's length. Then how...how did it happen? why did it happen?*

Jab hum khud complicate kartay hain...and then take the decision to go ahead even with the complications because the basis of it all is too strong to let go off, the complications can forgotten and gotten rid of, but whatever lies underneath it all is not worth letting go off and accept kartay hain kay haan issues hoon gay magar koi baat naheen, I will deal, we will deal...then we shouldn't complain, not even to ourselves.

Walks Down Angell Street

On random days like todayI miss those walks down Angell Street...

…the ridiculous parrot green chappals and the one size too small teal shirt I over wore that had Eeyore lazily lounging on the top left languidly declaring “wild thing”.
…the butterfly keychain that held my apartment keys uncomfortably poking my left thigh
…the detours for Subway on SubTuesdays, the tuna sandwich with extra pickle and vinegar
…the rattle of keys while I fumbled with the lock and balanced the stuff in my hand
…the slight creak of the door…the push it required to be nudged over the beige carpet

…being welcomed by my familiar apartment smell, a mixture of carpet deodorizing powder from yesterday’s vacuum, the air still faintly reminiscent of scented candle from Illuminations burning till the wee hours last night, and the inescapable aroma of desi food that exists in a space all its own no matter how much you air it out

…the evening cup of Grande Caramel Macchiatto across the street at Starbucks while working on tomorrow’s assignments. Rushing back home for Maghrib and leaving behind everything at Starbucks without a worry in the world!
The occasional episodes of ridiculous Disney Channel TV series.

…the phone calls from back home and the occasional uplifting overseas conversations with old friends

…the mundane simplicity of everyday routine and the non-complex relationships…


…wow.
Memorable yet simple days when songs were just songs , didn’t have a million memories attached to them. Weren’t reminiscent of so much more.
When fewer words had very deep associations attached to them.

Thankful for all those walks up Waterman Avenue, leading up to Thayer…

Walks down Angell Street…

Seems like another lifetime.